saving private rogers

I'm sick with sin. I've always known it, but haven't been so painfully made aware of it before coming here. Today I feel like running from this place to be alone in the quiet to vomit up all the "flesh" I've binged on lately; to try to exfoliate all the crud that makes me feel so heavy. But the flesh is ever present, sin crouches at my door, and the devil continually prowls around, waiting to devour me. I'm astonished when I hear people say "the battle is already won/over"; did I miss the memo to leave the battle field? I know not. I'm trying to fight the good fight, like a good soldier, but today...no, this week, I cannot hear my commanding officer, nor find my squadron.

I'm studying the several ministries of the Holy Spirit and all that transpires once we are made new by Christ's grace and blood - all of them occur the moment of salvation, save BEING FILLED. This ministry is dependent upon my yielding control. This is what I must be missing: the continual surrender, absolute abandonment, desperate dependence. I am always feeling this way, but must not be walking in the action of it; my emotions do not create a reality. I need to be rescued from the battle of not seeing clearly, not praying continuously, not loving always. I'm lost in a haze of my own spirituality, which without Christ, is actually death. I guess this is all part of working out my salvation.